Feck Off January

I never liked January, well I can’t recall any particular feeling about it when I was a child, but as an adult, don’t like it. Never have, never will, it’s the pits.

Feck offJanuary!!

I know many folk embrace January with new hope, walk with it, jog with it, climb mountains and run on freezing cold beaches in the buff. (true story, they must be nuts…no pun intended) Not me no, I light the fire and curse the cold and rain. Ok, so I do go for walks, I have a great friend who gathers me & my hat, gloves, coat, high vis vest etc and off I trot resembling the michelin man in my ensemble. The joys of living by the coast mean that an hour after we’ve set off we return completely numb, it can only be what I imagine botox to feel like – except the numbness wears off and the double chin, fine lines & wrinkles all return.

My Facebook time line & the papers (online I may add,  who the feck has money for papers in January??) are awash with tales of detoxing, gym membership deals and all the wonderful sugar filled perceived to be health foods on offer in the local supermarket. I’m drawn more to the special offers on dark chocolate (there are none, but feck it, it’s January-I deserve a treat) and red wine (there aren’t too many of them either….)

Ah red wine, yes it’s January, yes I should probably be on the dry because that’s the thing to do now. To be fair, I didn’t touch a drop for almost 3 weeks but……


Something always needs repairing or replacing in January too doesn’t it? This year it was my tumble dryer, now I know I shouldn’t complain, I had my tumble dryer 17 years (just assume I bought it when I was a child ok!) Anyway, I needed a new one; good heavens the price has inflated on tumble dryers in that ‘few’ years. Himself, Mr. Simply Homemade, took charge of buying the new one. ‘Tis a brilliant machine’ he told me, ‘The best in the shop’ It’d want to be I thought, the money it was costing us. I have it a few weeks now, this brilliant machine…….it beeps, bloody beeps for everything. 56 (slight exaggeration perhaps) flippin’ cycles, that all beep. One knob but no buttons, touch screen you see, but only touch screen with just the ‘right’ amount of pressure or guess what….it beeps. That dryer will be sitting in the driveway one of these days.

Then of course there’s the germs, the illnesses that always descend with ferocious enthusiasm in grim January. Last week I had a text from the fairy’s preschool, they’d had a case of Slapped Cheek. I’d never had any experience with that particular one She was miserable with a cold so figured I better keep her home anyway and keep an eye on her. What followed were 5 days where she was utterly miserable. She went through lots of medicine with numerous temperature spikes. In all honesty I couldn’t tell if the cheek that was going red every so often was down to her temperature or if she had Slapped Cheek. She had a fierce amount of snot and a horrid cough too. Erring on the side of caution we kept her in, kept her comfortable and I showered her with reassuring cuddles. Now she’s back to good health, the Cuddlemonster is ridding himself of snot, coughing and he’s accompanied by me…..with no voice, nope, not a sound louder than a whisper.

Did you know Slapped Cheek in a small person can cause Laryngitis with a side dish of swollen glands topped with very red ears just waiting to flair up, achy limbs for dessert and a general feeling of shiteness (new word) with your coffee. Apparently I can expect to feel worse before I feel better, my legs are currently a dead weight, my poor ears feel like they’re going to pop off the side of my head. The Cuddlemonster thinks I’m playing a game and everytime I try talking to him he whispers back and giggles. The other children are now automatically whispering, I give them a look of despair to cries of, ‘we can’t help it Mam, it’s like an automatic response’. Mr. Simply Homemade has been very kind however, if I need anything, all I have to do is text him!

I am feeling sorry for myself, very sorry for myself. Feck off illness, feck off crappy weather, feck off January!



10 thoughts on “Feck Off January

  1. I hate January too. Worst time of the year to try and do new/healthy things. Hopefully the rest of the year will only improve. I have a beeping dryer too. My son runs into the room telling me that ‘the dryer wants you again!’. Definitely needs a mute button…

  2. Oh Nicola, I shouldn’t but I always draw comfort from your words. Knowing that I’m not alone in feeling utterly crap about January. Thank crunchie it’s nearly over and even better – pay day is tomorrow!! (Being paid monthly is bad enough but when you get your December wages on the 20th of December it makes a long January even longer!!!) Anyway, I’ve decided that my New Year starts Feb 1st – Dreary January was just a practice run xxx

  3. Oh god Nicola I hope things get better from here! I’m with you on the whole motivational January crap – I can’t stand resolutions, gym pics or ‘Dry January’. January is tough enough so I think eat all the cake you can and have all the wine you want to get you through.
    And I only heard the story of the naked hurlers this morning, surely they could have waited until Spring for that lark 🙂

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