On Your Birthday

Dear Mam, 

Happy Birthday.

Today we should be celebrating with you as you turn 60 but we’re not. The Universe went a bit nuts you see and took you from us. It’s not fair. We miss you.

We could do with you here now. I need you, the boys need you and L. really needs you. There have been so many times over the last 17 years when we have needed you. We get it’s not your fault, but you’ll forgive us if sometimes we feel angry. Angry that you left. angry you were taken away. Angry when we can’t ask your advice, cry on your shoulder, share our burdens, our news, our lives with you.

You deserved to live your life with us, we deserved to have you in our lives. You’ve missed so much; your utterly fabulous grandchildren, more weddings, new homes, your little shadow growing into a lovely man, careers being formed, careers changing, life being lived.

I was going to lay some flowers on your grave but I don’t like to visit your grave, I don’t believe you’re there. Instead, I ordered some to have in the house for you. I hope that’s ok. I’ll think of you every time I look at them. I wouldn’t see them on your grave, neither would you, neither of us would get any pleasure from them. They haven’t come yet. You won’t believe it, we’re in the midst of a snowstorm. Do you remember that mad snowstorm years ago? You & Richard decided to walk home, with G. & me in tow. We were frozen! Richard kept on going, he must have resembled Olaf by the time he got to his house. Simpler times.

We’ll have some tea & cake for you, share some memories, not today, but in time. Today doesn’t feel like the right day for it, but we will. We’ll have that cake that you used to bake, the one with the mandarins and almonds. I only made it once since that day, for G. It was his favourite. It didn’t taste anything like yours of course, but sure I’ll try again. And maybe we’ll have some apple tart too, just like we did, before that day.

I have to go now, Happy Birthday,


PS. Send us a miracle eh Mam, please.


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